I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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