I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
