Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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