If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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