I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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