She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
