Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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