Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
