I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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