We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
