What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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