I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
