i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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