Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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