1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
