There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
