I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
