Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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