YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
