He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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