You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
