I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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