if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
