I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
