i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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