Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
