need another drink. this is the easiest way
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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