i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
