We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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