Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
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