I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
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