It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
