God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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