I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
