I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
