maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
