too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
