Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
