i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She even gives head with a lisp.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
