Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
