Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My bed smells like the plague
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
