i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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