Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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