then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
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