Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
