i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
