Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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