When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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