My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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