Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Houston, we have a squirter
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
