I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
