only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
