I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
