just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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