WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
