you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
