Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
