i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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