This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
